Reflections of Grace

I am moving in 5 days. That is 26 days earlier than I anticipated. There is something about moving that causes you to reflect on the past. This whole process of picking a new house with two girls has been challenging. Not because either of my roommates are difficult. They are just about the two most wonderful people in the world. But because it requires letting go.


My current apartment I picked out myself, and even though I dislike my landlords, mold occasionally grows, and it is slightly ghetto, I made it my HOME.


This was the first place I ever took care of on my own. 
This was the first place I had to clean without being told by my mom or my RA.
This was the first place I had to pay for every month to continue living here.
This was the first place I had incredible neighbors to have game nights with.
This was my first place.


Saying good-bye isn't easy, but it makes me reflect on how God has sustained me though this whole living situation.


On March 28, 2010, I was broken. I did not know where or who I was going to live with. It was also the Day of Prayer at Emmaus.


That day I begged before God to bring me a Christian roommate thinking that one roommate would probably work out. The next day, she called to say that she would be living with someone else.


I was floored. I did not know where to go or where to turn, but I tried not to have a short term memory. God provided last year for me in miraculous ways.


Journal Entry from August 2, 2009:
"God, I don't even know what to say but I know I want to RUN with You. This decision to live alone scares me. It is out of my comfort zone, but I know you will provide. Keep me focused on the hurting people of Springfield I am going to encounter. I give you my Springfield story."


Journal Entry from August 5, 2009:
"Right now Springfield is scary. Nothing has worked out right with roommates. The living situation is hard."


Journal Entry from August 11, 2009:
"Wow, that is about all I can say. I have a Christian roommate that you brought to me. My Aunt Pam asked my mom if she knew anyone who needed a Christian roommate. WOW! This was the first girl who I did not pursue. You brought her to me. Thank You!"


That girl was Koni, my roommate. I heart her.


Going through my journal, I also found prayers about a job. Well, tomorrow, I open at The Coffee Ethic. A year ago, I would have laughed at the possibility to work at such an incredible coffee shop, but I do.


So God provided for me last year, and I held tight to that, but it was hard. Who knew he was preparing my living situation for this year long before now?


Journal Entry from October 22, 2009:
"God, Thank you for bringing Mallory into my life yesterday. I wish I could have known her before. But it was such a blessing to meet her and talk with a girl for a while. I hope she comes in more."


I could have never imagined that in 5 days I would be moving in with this wonderful Mallory. 


In conclusion, I am feeling a lot of emotions right now. I am thankful for God's provision and this exciting new part of my life to spend with two awesome chicas (Koni and Mallory). I am sad to let my first apartment go. I am tired even thinking about moving. And I am reading to make a new home.


Sometimes to accept our future, it is necessary to reflect on God's past grace.

GRACE

P.S. Whatever your doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace. Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see. I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Albertine

I am sitting still

I think of Angelique

her mothers voice over me

And the bullets in the wall where it fell silent

And on a thousandth hill, I think of Albertine

there in her eyes what I don't see with my own

Rwanda

now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead

now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a plane across a distant sea

But I carry you in me

and the dust on, the dust on, the dust on my feet

Rwanda

now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead

now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I will tell the world, I will tell them where I've been

I will keep my word

I will tell them Albertine

now that I have seen, I am responsible

Faith without deeds is dead

now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a stage, a thousand eyes on me

I will tell them, Albertine

I will tell them, Albertine 

Song by Brooke Fraser

The Beauty of Rest

Psalms 127: 1

"It is useless for you to work so hard  

from early morning until late at night,

   anxiously working for food to eat;

      for God gives rest to his loved ones."

I love this promise.

As a senior in high school, I discovered this promise for the first time.

God wants us to work hard for Him, but he also gives us rest.

Rest is a precious gift from God.

I treasure it.

Last week, I spent all of the energy my body had been saving.

I worked a fundraiser for a non-profit in town.

At the end, I hit a very definite wall that I had not felt since high school.

The rest of the week, I lacked energy or motivation to do anything.

I was constantly irritable and moody.

Mold is my apartment did not help my lowered immunity.

My voice sounded like a young boy going through puberty the majority of the week.

Snot came out of my nose like an annoying leaking faucet.

I was drained of every ounce of energy, motivation, and joy.

But, then Friday, I drove home to Cape Girardeau, Missouri with my soon to be roommate, Mallory Roth.

There is nothing like a four hour car ride to get to know someone really well.
There is nothing like a four hour car ride with a new friend.
There is nothing like seeing beautiful rainbows on a four hour car ride.

It nourished my soul.

Picture from WeHeartIt

After I dropped her off in St. Gen, I drove to Cape
alone
with Sufjan Stevens on Mallory's ipod.
It was like I had jumped into a giant glass of mint tea for my spirit.
Through, Sufjan's soft, melodic voice, the gorgeous blue sky, and driving alone,

I found rest.
I found peace.
I found joy.

The rest of the weekend followed suit.
I enjoyed time with my family, my friends, and myself.
I lived spontaneously, even for just one weekend.

I can back to Springfield recharged and ready to tackle the week.

I hold firmly to God's beautiful promise that He will always grant His children rest.

GRACE

One of the songs I listened to on my drive...

A Sunday Morning Prayer

God,

I am too busy for You.

My faith is broken.

My desire for You is weak.

My pride is overflowing.

But my inner hope is to make a positive difference for You.

To be that woman that is filled with unexplainable joy and love.

To be that woman that prays instead of worrying. 

To be that women who is beautiful because of who she is.

God, grant my inner hope.

Grab my attention and time unapologetically.

Repair my faith and strengthen my desire for You.

Empty me of pride and me with joy, love, peace, prayer, faith, hope, gentleness, and self-control.

Help me to be in awe of Your essence.

Don't let me miss my burning bush moments.

Your Princess,

Bethany

Grace in Friendships

So today, I did something daring and new. Leading up the event, I was petrified like a freshman on the first day of high school. I almost didn’t go. I almost through away my plans just because I was afraid. But I didn’t. To some, it may not seem like a big deal, but to me, it was monumental.

Tonight, I went to a benefit concert by myself, not planning to meet any specific person there, and only hopefully that someone would grant me the grace of a conversation.

Being a transfer student at a state university is tough, especially having a job and living off campus. It is hard to really get to know anyone outside of class or know how to get involved. I go through a range of emotions from being so enthusiastic to put myself out there to feeling completely defeated when someone forgets my name. But that is not how it should be, I learned that tonight.

The benefit concert was at a new local non-profit called Lemon Drop—all about promoting creative efforts in Springfield. The benefit concert was for to raise money for a young boy in Nepal to be able to return to his family. It was a good cause, so I thought why not.


I frantically searched for someone to go on this adventure with me, but everyone was busy. I saw that some people from my church, Emmaus, that I was acquainted with were attending on Facebook, so I prayed they would show up and possibly talk with me.


7:30 rolled around and my stomach got sick. I did not want to go. I didn't know what to wear. Where it was. Who was going to be there. I was going alone into a abyss of strangers.


Little did I know that if I gave myself and the people around me a little grace, I might actually form friendships.

The night was fantastic! The bands were fun. I bought a journal from India and two adorable photographs of children. But most importantly, I met people. A wonderful girl from my church introduced me to all these other people that go there. I sat a chat with some girls involved in campus ministries. I talked to a friend from a Bible study I visited and got introduced to her friend who studies Speech Pathology. 


All in all, I felt like I belonged--which is a feeling I don't think I have felt since high school drama club or every Wednesday when I relive those glory days via Glee on Hulu. 


I am so happy that I gave myself grace and put myself out there. I learned that GRACE is ESSENTIAL to forming new friendships, and I hope that those friendships will just continue to grow.

GRACE

"Life has no pleasure higher or nobler than that of friendship" 

-Samuel Johnson quotes (English poet, critic and writer. 1709-1784)

Excerpt from Crazy Love by Francis Chan

In Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love, in the chapter called the Profile of the Obsessed, he shares a powerful passage from Frederick Buechner's The Magnificent Defeat:

"The love for equals is a human thing--of friend for friend, brother for brother. It is to love what is loving and lovely. The world smiles.

The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing--the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion, and it touches the heart of the world.

The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing--to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy with those who rejoice, the love of poor for the rich, of the black man for the white man. The world is always bewildered by its saints.

And then there is the love for the enemy--love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured's love for the torturer. This is God's love.

IT CONQUERS THE WORLD."

(emphasis added)

My Middle Name is Grace

My middle name is Grace. My mom named me after herself. All my life I have wrestled with the concept of grace and what it is. Grace. It can describe a motion that is elegant and beautiful. It can mean to say a prayer before dinner. It can mean an undeserved gift.

I personally am quite clumsy. One look at my kitten heels and one would know that I tend to never look down at my feet when I am walking. I often joke after I trip, fall, or drop something, "My middle name is Grace you know".

Growing up in the Christian church, the word "grace" takes on a lot of different forms. It wasn't until I was older that I began to realize the fullness of God's grace and want that means.

This blog is going to explore all of these different definitions of grace and how I am learning to live in a more graceful manner each day.